The Life Umpire

Have you ever wished you could blow the whistle on one of your friends? Throw the flag? Let people know what they said is totally out of line? You wish you could call a penalty on them, but the rules have never been set down.

Now a precedent has been set.

The Life Umpire has all the rules and he’s not afraid to blow the whistle. Did you ever buy your first Red Sox hat in 2004? Can you name three Limp Bizkit albums off the top of your head? Is your name Eliot Spitzer?

If so, The Life Umpire is not going to help you. He’s not a helper. He’s not about self-help. He’s just going to flag you for being weak. He’s going to let you know you shouldn’t sit on the same side of the restaurant booth as your female date with no one else at the table unless there’s no view of the Monday Night Football game. In fact, if you’ve ever bought a ring tone from a company named Jamster, you need The Life Umpire’s help. No wait—you don’t need his help. You just need to that what you did was wrong. The onus is on you to help yourself. The Life Umpire will flag you every time for wearing hiking boots with shorts in a non-outdoor setting until you get it right.